One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
