It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
