apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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