Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
