There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
