We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
