My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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