Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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