i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
