i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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