so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
