even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
