My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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