I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
