probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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