his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
