One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
whose parrot is this?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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