I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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