Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
