when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
