he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
