Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
