thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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