1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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