Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
