Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
