Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
