funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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