What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
