wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
