when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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