Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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