last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
