This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
