sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
