Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
