remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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