I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
