You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
