I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
