Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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