awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
