Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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