can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
false alarm, still single
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