youre lurking in front of me
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
