Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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