the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I enjoy the company of your penis
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
