Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
