the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
