His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just had sex on a roof
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
