i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
