Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
