sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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