Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
