YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
