The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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