she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
