I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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