I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
