And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
